Triggered

If today is the first day of the rest of my life, what should I have done with it?  What did you do with the first day of the rest of your life?

I was blessed with an amazing son about 9 years ago.  This little guy and I have spent much of his life alone.  Well, not exactly alone, my mother has lived with us since he was 2.  My son has a few issues that could be genetic or could be caused by emotional abuse.  He is educated in a self contained class for most of the day.  I bring this up because, how I spent much of my time and energy today was working through some triggers that have come up around his father.  In the beginning my son’s father had supervised visits only.  That was dropped after he paid a parent evaluator to help him.  Her report had a lot of false information but, I was too tired at that time to fight.  I sent her certified letters requesting clarification and sent her proof that what she reported to the courts was false but it didn’t really matter.  I was tired.  It is now 7 years later and we still get to work through issues that may or may not be caused by emotional abuse as well as try to get simple things done, like evaluations for my son, because his father refuses to give approval and we currently have joint decision making.  If you have every found yourself with a person who is abusive you understand how much of an energy drain can happen when having to deal with them.  An adult bully.

Having been in an abusive relationship is not one of the highlights of my life!  If the saying that you attract what you are is true, I must have been awful. Well, to be honest, when I got into a relationship with this man, I believed I was awful.  I was in a very dark spot after a painful divorce.  I want to assure you that getting into a relationship when your self esteem is in the toilet is a terrible idea.  What are you likely to get?  Yep, someone who treats you like shit!  My suggestion is work on yourself first and if someone comes to you during this time appearing to be a knight in shining armor, RUN!!

As I mentioned earlier, it has been over 7 years since I had this man served with a restraining order to keep myself and my son safe.  Why do I still get triggered? I am safe.  My son has a psychologist that works with him.  I have been through therapy.  There is a therapist that over sees all of our parenting.  Yet, when my child comes home angry, and I can’t get him evaluated to see if there is something more that can be done to help him, I get triggered.  What tools did I use today so that this trigger could be released?  I went to the gym and road bike for a half hour.  While I was riding the stationary bike I asked my partner to take turns with me stating desires.  We spent over 20 minutes going back and forth with our desires.  It was so much fun and really helped move some of the energy.  I did a process called spring cleaning that I learned in the program, School of Womanly Arts, twice.  I meditated. I talked to a girlfriend about fun things that had nothing to do with this trigger.  I also took action steps.  One of the things I was unable to do after being so emotionally abused was take basic action steps.  I can now take steps to keep my child safe as well as advocate for his needs and I did!

I am hoping tomorrow has only happy things to report like unicorns farting rainbows.

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