Solstice, December 2016, I was in Peru (where I am still). On that day we planned to climb Machu Picchu where my husband and I would renew our vows to each other. As we left our little cabin in the Sacred Valley to walk to the train station, I looked up at the sun and thought to myself, “I am so grateful for the sun!” As soon as I had this thought, I had another thought, “Oh no, the sun represents the masculine!” All at once all of the negativity I have experience at the hands of males crossed my mind….
Since puberty began for me I have had problems with the right side of my body. I have skin issues on my right side. I have pigment discoloration (think Michael Jackson) on my right side. I have lower back and hip issues on my right side. I even broke my right knee cap in half! I understand that the right (where our political right comes into play) represents the masculine and with that knowledge have done what I believed I needed to do to love and accept the masculine within myself to help heal my body. It was not until the moment I looked at the sun on that Solstice Day that I realized how repelled and deeply upset I am with the masculine in general.
One of the things I believe to be true is that to heal our planet we must come back into balance with the divine masculine and the divine feminine. Because of the imbalance within the current patriarchal system I do everything I know how to do to support and push the feminine forward. I also do what I can to help educate others on how Christianity has tried to strip the world of the divine feminine to more easily control the masses. I believed I was doing a great job of working toward supporting the restoration of balance until that Solstice Day while looking at the sun.
In that moment I realized my own personal mistake. My eyes welled up with tears and I thought of the time I was raped and left with a venereal disease, the times my father molested me, the times men treated me as though I was less than, the times I was emotionally/physically abused by a man, the time my boss grabbed my ass, or the times an older woman in my life preached the patriarchy to me. I also thought of the times I played weak, the story of the maiden in distress, to get what I wanted. The times I used my feminine ways to obtain financial gain. I thought of all the times I weakened myself to take advantage of men.
How can I support balance in the world when I’m still playing the game of wounded woman? How can I support balance in the world when I’m still so angry and hurt by the masculine? When I am still willing to play the role of weak female to get what I want both emotionally and financially? How is balance to be restored when I am still fitting so neatly into the box that was built for me by the pussy grabbing patriarchal system?
I do not have any answers yet, but that solstice day over a week ago is the first day I was enlightened enough to even ask myself the questions. In the sun is great opportunity for reflection as well as shadow. I am grateful for the gifts the sun showed me on summer solstice in the southern hemisphere.
I look forward to the day when I am celebration with the masculine versus being angry, frightened or using him….I am ready for change, for freedom, and for celebration of balance within the divine feminine and masculine.